So I found myself still on the Goodship Comparison this week…like a bad movie of the week. How did I get back here? Why did I not stay where I was—on land?
Martin and I had some talks recently wherein we talked about his not feeling free to go and do things with other people without me. Gah…Yes, it’s very true, I’ve been wanting to be with him so much that even time with his friends, I’ve wanted to tag along on, and been upset when I haven’t gotten to. This is not usually me—I’m normally fine with him going off and doing whatever he wants. I usually go off and do what I want and we come back and reconnect when next we do and talk about the experiences we’ve had apart.
Except…I HAVEN’T been going off on my own and following my bliss. I’ve not been living my vintage life, connecting with vintage peeps (the scene was stronger in the place I used to live). I’ve only been doing the art I have to do, for commitments. I’ve been starting lots of art projects for fun and not finishing them. I’ve been getting enchanted and then suddenly disenchanted about ideas. The magic fades, for some cruel, unknown reason. And this is seriously getting under my skin. I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost my art–my superpower. And as a result, my power, over myself. I identify as an artist and if I don’t have art, then what am I? Consequently, I’ve felt an obsession to spend all the time we have together with Martin and micromanage things. Trying to seize the power back in fucked-up ways, maybe? And looking at his relationship with our female partner (whom I’ll call L, for the sake of privacy) and comparing, comparing, comparing. Why doesn’t he text me like that? Why doesn’t she? Doesn’t she want to see me as much as she wants to see him? So much insecurity… But insecurity stemming from within ME. My relationships, themselves, with Martin and with L, objectively speaking? They’re both wonderful—I am truly happy with all aspects of them. Then WHY compare my relationships to their relationship with each other? Why be all niggling and petty? Why fixate on a lack of something, when it’s truly not a lack, simply a difference?
Martin and I further had some talks about power (he’s really good to talk to, to dig deep with). And why I seem to feel like I don’t have any. I know that when I don’t do my art, I get bitchy. Really bitchy. And I’ve been looking at others and saying to myself, I don’t want to be like THEM, and I don’t want to be like THEM, and THAT really annoys me…What I realized is that my gaze has been too focused OUTSIDE of myself, including my partners. I haven’t let myself become engaged in my own soul-kissing activities, like my art. For whatever reason, I always put responsibilities first, and my art comes last. Call it being brought up in a responsible household where no one else was an artist, but highly pragmatic. It’s a bad, bad habit. So this putting art last? It makes me unhappy. It dries my soul up like a leaf cut off from its tree. And it has far-reaching fingers, into all aspects of my life. My ongoing quest is to generate my own vortex of art, dance, mystery, spirit, my own warm bubble of passions that make my soul sing. I do it for myself, but it also radiates outward and spills onto others, enveloping them in the warm love that I am generating in myself.
And since I’ve uprooted this kernel, I’ve felt 100% better. Oh god, SO much better! I’ve taken steps to just fuck around with my art and experiment and see what I get. And I like what’s coming out of my pencil. I like the sea of possibilities. I like changing media and seeing what I get. I am getting ideas, rooted in my passions as an artist and a human being. And tonight I am going dancing. And I am EXCITED!!
And when they text each other, it doesn’t faze me. And when they see each other without me being there, it doesn’t ruffle my feathers. I AM getting what I want and need from each of them. And now that I am back focusing on living my own passions, I think (I hope!) they’re getting more of what they want and need from me. A happy, independent, loving, giving me. It’s the best gift I have for the ones I love so deeply.