On Comparing Relationships...Or, Just Don't, Part II

So I found myself still on the Goodship Comparison this week…like a bad movie of the week. How did I get back here? Why did I not stay where I was—on land?

Martin and I had some talks recently wherein we talked about his not feeling free to go and do things with other people without me. Gah…Yes, it’s very true, I’ve been wanting to be with him so much that even time with his friends, I’ve wanted to tag along on, and been upset when I haven’t gotten to. This is not usually me—I’m normally fine with him going off and doing whatever he wants. I usually go off and do what I want and we come back and reconnect when next we do and talk about the experiences we’ve had apart.

Except…I HAVEN’T been going off on my own and following my bliss. I’ve not been living my vintage life, connecting with vintage peeps (the scene was stronger in the place I used to live). I’ve only been doing the art I have to do, for commitments. I’ve been starting lots of art projects for fun and not finishing them. I’ve been getting enchanted and then suddenly disenchanted about ideas. The magic fades, for some cruel, unknown reason.   And this is seriously getting under my skin. I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost my art–my superpower. And as a result, my power, over myself. I identify as an artist and if I don’t have art, then what am I? Consequently, I’ve felt an obsession to spend all the time we have together with Martin and micromanage things. Trying to seize the power back in fucked-up ways, maybe? And looking at his relationship with our female partner (whom I’ll call L, for the sake of privacy) and comparing, comparing, comparing. Why doesn’t he text me like that? Why doesn’t she?   Doesn’t she want to see me as much as she wants to see him?   So much insecurity… But insecurity stemming from within ME. My relationships, themselves, with Martin and with L, objectively speaking? They’re both wonderful—I am truly happy with all aspects of them. Then WHY compare my relationships to their relationship with each other? Why be all niggling and petty?   Why fixate on a lack of something, when it’s truly not a lack, simply a difference?

Martin and I further had some talks about power (he’s really good to talk to, to dig deep with). And why I seem to feel like I don’t have any. I know that when I don’t do my art, I get bitchy. Really bitchy. And I’ve been looking at others and saying to myself, I don’t want to be like THEM, and I don’t want to be like THEM, and THAT really annoys me…What I realized is that my gaze has been too focused OUTSIDE of myself, including my partners. I haven’t let myself become engaged in my own soul-kissing activities, like my art. For whatever reason, I always put responsibilities first, and my art comes last. Call it being brought up in a responsible household where no one else was an artist, but highly pragmatic. It’s a bad, bad habit. So this putting art last? It makes me unhappy. It dries my soul up like a leaf cut off from its tree. And it has far-reaching fingers, into all aspects of my life.   My ongoing quest is to generate my own vortex of art, dance, mystery, spirit, my own warm bubble of passions that make my soul sing. I do it for myself, but it also radiates outward and spills onto others, enveloping them in the warm love that I am generating in myself.

And since I’ve uprooted this kernel, I’ve felt 100% better. Oh god, SO much better! I’ve taken steps to just fuck around with my art and experiment and see what I get. And I like what’s coming out of my pencil. I like the sea of possibilities. I like changing media and seeing what I get. I am getting ideas, rooted in my passions as an artist and a human being.   And tonight I am going dancing. And I am EXCITED!!

And when they text each other, it doesn’t faze me. And when they see each other without me being there, it doesn’t ruffle my feathers. I AM getting what I want and need from each of them. And now that I am back focusing on living my own passions, I think (I hope!) they’re getting more of what they want and need from me. A happy, independent, loving, giving me.   It’s the best gift I have for the ones I love so deeply.

On Comparing Relationships...Or, Just Don't

One of the things that can happen when you have multiple relationships is that you can get to analyzing them, if you’ve a mind to do such things. Usually it’s when things are not going exactly the way you wish they were—if everything was peachy, you’d just sit back and enjoy them, and there’d be no need to analyze. And when you analyze, you can’t help but compare them. And when you compare them, you assign value to the comparisons, and one of them might come up shorter than the other, which is negative. And when one of them comes up short, you create an expectation, that the short one should be living up to the tall one. Some expectations are necessary, as in, you expect to be treated lovingly, respectfully and kindly, to have honest communication, and other things that make a healthy relationship. But other than those healthy expectations, everything else is a script for the relationship to follow, and that can lead down some unrealistic, not-so-pretty paths. And it can be very, very hard not to write that script.

In the words of Oliver Hardy: well, Brain, that’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into…

I have two amazing relationships. One is with Martin and one is with my female partner.   They also have a relationship with each other. This is my first relationship with a woman, so there ARE differences. And this is my first time having multiple relationships, period, so there ARE differences. And they are two different people, so there ARE differences. Those are givens.  They are two distinct relationships and are not EVER going to be the same, or even similar. However, sometimes I find myself comparing the two, like apples and eggs, and those expectations pop up like whack-a-moles.   Hey, they’re doing ‘x’, I want to do ‘x’, too! How come I’M not doing that with either of them?   How come they say this to each other, and he/she doesn’t say it to me?   But…but…but…And then I feel left out and I spin into overdrive, and I drive myself nutsy-cuckoo.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of monkey-see, monkey-do, pure and simple. Sometimes, we just think like two-year-olds. Observe a toddler playing next to another toddler in a sandbox. One is playing with a green bucket. She then sees the other one grab the pink shovel. Suddenly the green bucket isn’t good enough. She wants the pink shovel, too; she just didn’t realize it until she saw the other kid picking it up.   This warrants a conversation. I need to let my partners know that seeing them go to a drive-in movie together reminded me that I, too, like drive-in movies and I want to go see one with him or her, too.

Sometimes I may feel like my needs aren’t being met. I see them doing this thing together that I feel like I need to feel fulfilled, which may not quite be making its way towards my relationships with them at the moment, and I feel out of the loop. I have to ask myself, do I really need or want it? If no, then that’s easy—I can put it down and walk away, chalking it up to insecurity. But if the answer is yes, then time to talk! Gotta tell my partners. But just because I tell them doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to get what I ask for. They may not always be able to accommodate, or they may be happy to, but not able to at the moment.   Or they may, in fact, be happy to do it for me. “Yes”, “no”, and “not right now, dear” are perfectly valid responses. But they need to know how I am feeling. Even if they can’t help me fulfill my need (and I have to trust that they want to, but they just can’t, for good reason), they can offer me support and understand me, which goes a long way towards feeling loved. And it’s likely that I can find another way to fulfill that need, on my own or with someone else, which really is my job, anyway.

Sometimes it could be just a perception that I am not getting fulfillment because I’m not getting it RIGHT NOW, at the same moment that they are enjoying what I want. I’ve had it before, and will have it again; I’m just not having it while they are. And that brings up feelings of envy, big time. And guess what? I need to tell my partners—but more importantly, this one asks me to develop a little patience. I need to remember that I have experienced it previously and will again in the future during my own time with my partners. And that self-reassurance helps quite a bit to talk me down from the ledge.

And here’s the crux of the matter: I need to stop looking at their relationship with each other. Just STOP. Quite honestly, it’s none of my business what goes on between them. That’s not my relationship and it has nothing to do with me. OF COURSE if I look at theirs and then look at mine, I’m going to notice how they are different (we tend to notice the contrasts rather than the similarities, we silly humans). Not that I should do “don’t ask, don’t tell”, putting my fingers in my ears and shouting, “LA LA LA LA LA!”   But I can hear about aspects of their relationship and decide to let the bristles over the differences go. Different doesn’t necessarily mean lacking. It’s good to take stock of and be happy with what I DO have with each of them, what I love and cherish about our own separate relationships, and NOT seek to recreate theirs in mine. First of all, it’s ludicrous, and second of all, it’s futile. And hey, I can be happy for them—after all, I love them and want them to be happy, yes? Yes!!!

Being happy in my own skin and loving my partners for what we each have together is one of the most precious things I can give them. It gives them the freedom to be who they are without being watched and fretted over, and it gives me autonomy to find my own damn fulfillment for myself. And I love us all enough to do that (and to try again when I fuck up).

Testing... one... two...

Is this thing on?

<tap tap>

Oh. Ah. <ahem>
There you are.

Just wanted to pop in to say goodbye. Sort of like waking someone up to tell them to go to sleep. I haven't really been inclined to post to this blog (although, I guess, neither has anyone else for a couple years ;-) ). The things that have been pushing me toward posting lately have been more of a "practicalities of a Mono/Poly relationship" nature and less of a "Polyamory in general" nature, especially since I'm not Poly.

Mono folks have different issues in Poly relationships, one of which is just not fitting into either group anymore. You've got one foot in each camp, but your mono friends don't get it, and YOU don't get the Poly side. It's difficult to feel like you're flitting around the outskirts of both groups, without being able to find anyone who can relate to you in either one.

So, instead of posting here, I've started a new blog to focus on Mono/Poly relationships and the journey I've taken over the past couple years. I'm not an expert, but if I can be a voice someone can identify with that isn't discouraging or hostile, then I'll feel like I'm doing something.

The Internet needs one more blog, ya know. ;-)

Have fun and kick ass. I'll see you around.

Jen
http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/

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Bread Crumbs...

I’ll be honest. I never believed I would contribute to this blog. Firstly, I’m not Poly. I’m a monogamous chick who found myself in a Poly relationship because it allowed me to HAVE a relationship with someone whom I consider a wonderful person and my best friend. Secondly, because it hasn’t always been an easy road, I didn’t feel like I really had a place to say anything. Who am I to pontificate on a blog about my relationship when I feel like I’m still trying to figure out where I’m going without a road map? Thirdly, this blog has, up until now, been all from the Poly POV and I have little interest in being the Blog Curmudgeon.

But if that all applied right now, you wouldn’t be seeing this, so what changed?

Martin and Gina have both stated that they’d like this blog to be a place that people find in their search for resources - things that help, maybe, or just to know that there are others out there like them trying to just poke through life in this unconventional type of relationship structure.

Over time, I’ve kept track of a mental list of things that *I* sure would have loved to have known ahead of time. Or would have loved to have had OTHERS know ahead of time, in order to help things go a bit more smoothly, or make fewer trial-and-error mistakes. A virtual trail of bread crumbs along the path, if you will. Keeping it a mental list isn’t going to do that, now is it? So here I post.

I don’t want to rehash the Mono/Poly articles that are on Franklin Veaux’s “Morethantwo” site (morethantwo.org). These are GREAT resources, and were quite helpful in helping us all see this relationship from each others’ (very different) points of view. If you’re reading this because you’re lost without a road map of your own, go there first. Really. I’ll wait...

...

Okay, then.
While your mileage may vary, here are some other issues/pitfalls/things-I-wish-I’d-realized-earlier that maybe could be of use to someone.

DISCLAIMER:
** PLEASE note that I am not speaking for all Mono/Poly relationships or people here. I am speaking from a combination of personal experience and from other people’s experiences. My introduction to Poly was different than that for many - I came into this knowing it was a Poly relationship. If you did not, then there may need to be some re-establishment of trust before you can move toward acceptance and cooperation. Your mileage may (and probably will) vary. **

Section 1: Potential pitfalls for the poly partner (Hooray for alliteration!)

Potential Poly Pitfall 1. Enthusiasm is great. Proselytization, not so much.
You have discovered Polyamory and a light bulb has clicked on. You finally have a word to describe the way you’ve been feeling all these years, or a concept of loving relationships that you find free and non-restrictive and you are beside yourself with excitement. You are happy to embrace the new you (and honestly, you should be!), and you are happy to share it with others.

And then you start thinking... Maybe monogamy really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe, inside, we’re *all* just a little Poly. Or a *lot* Poly, and denying our own inner natures based on what society tells us is right due to outmoded concepts of fidelity dictated by religious and controlling patriarchal societal models.

Okay. Stop. Breathe.

Regardless of what you do believe, there is no quicker way to alienate not only your monogamous friends and family, but your Mono PARTNER than by intimating that they are not only wrong, but backwards-thinking. Making someone feel disrespected, especially someone you love, is no way to earn respect toward your beliefs, and in fact, is a quick way of getting someone’s rational mind to turn off and raise their emotional hackles in defense of what they see as an integral part of themselves.

In other words, the people who are close to you may be happy you’ve found God, but don’t want you to save them.

So, what if you really DO believe that monogamy is a socially-created construct? Well, this leads into...

Potential Poly Pitfall 2. What *is* monogamy?
From everything I’ve seen, the “monogamy is [insert negative word here]” seems to stem from an oversimplification of monogamy as a whole. There are two distinct aspects of monogamy, and defining it as purely a social construct completely ignores one of them.

2a. The desire to love only one person

Yes, I agree that for many Poly folks, they didn’t realize the concept existed as such. But for many folks who identify as Poly at the personal level (“wired that way”), they have always been able to feel (romantic) love for more than one person.

Some of us do not.
Truly.
For some of us, who self-identify as Mono, when we develop romantic feelings for one, they wane for another. I have never, EVER “crushed on” more than one person at a time, even back in Junior High (okay, my unholy obsession with Alan Hunter doesn’t count - I’m talking real people, here, not cute blond MTV VJs). That type of emotion toward another always had one target and one target only. I am “wired” that way.

This is completely different from

2b. The desire for the one I love to love only me.
This seems to be the aspect of monogamy that most non-monogamous people deride. Yes, in some cases, it is societal. In come cases, it is driven out of insecurity. In some cases, however, it is a desire for that one person’s attention and time, and in those cases, any less than that may not create a bond that is close enough to have a lasting, lifetime relationship (whether or not you really believe those exist).

In some cases, this can change. If the Mono partner truly wants to work on a relationship with a Poly partner, this will HAVE to change. Some people don’t want to change. Some try, but find that it’s too hard for them and therefore non-negotiable, and the relationship ends.

Statements that deride monogamy as a whole unwittingly deride that first part, that piece that is integral to US as monogamous folk, and is INCREDIBLY insulting when heard from a Mono point of view. “Well, if it works for you, that’s great” doesn’t appease, since it’s not what *works* for us. It’s what we *are*, and, depending on how it’s delivered, it can sound dismissive of that fact.

In other words, please don’t build yourself up by putting us down. There’s more to monogamy than convention.

Potential Poly Pitfall 3. Using analogies that don’t fly
“But you don’t love your children any less because you have more than one!”
UGH! UGH! UGH!
<sputter>

I hate. DESPISE, even, the typical “child analogy”.
Romantic love is NOT the love for a child. Period. I can not equate the way I love my children to the way I love a romantic partner. One is a love designed to protect, guide, and eventually lead my children into becoming independent people, who will (and SHOULD) leave in time. One is a love that invests heavily of my self into the relationship. Equating the two is like equating apples and elephants, and adds an “ick” factor when you try to equate romantic love to a parent’s love for a child.

I realize you’re trying to relate the way you feel about other loves to your Mono partner, and you really have no tools to do it. I sympathize. It is NOT an easy thing to do, because many of us Just. Don’t. Get it.

However, the great folks on the LivingPolyMono mailing list came up with some wonderful alternatives that actually worked for ME much better than the “child analogy”. It’s no guarantee it’ll help you, but maybe one of the following will be better received:

3a. A slightly retooled version of the child analogy - a question.
“What were the reasons you had more than one child / expanded your family?”
Well. Huh.
When you put it that way, what *were* those reasons? I wanted more. Why did I want more? Um. Because. I wanted a fuller home, more laughter, more kids. Just more. (Okay, maybe the answer “as a playmate for the first one” came in, but let’s disregard that for now... it certainly wasn’t the only reason. ;-)

Oh. Aha...

This question totally removes the type of love from the equation, instead focusing on the feeling behind the “why”. I didn’t want more children because my oldest child was lacking. I didn’t want more because of *anything* I was feeling toward my oldest. I wanted more because I wanted more.

However, if you don’t have children, it may not resonate. Let’s try another.

3b. “Why do you have more than one friend?” or maybe “What is it about a potential friend that turns them from acquaintance to friend, and why/when does that happen?”
This one didn’t resonate as well with me, but it still worked better than the initial child analogy. It seemed to work well for others. Same deal. You acquire friends, not based on any lack of what your current friendships offer, but because you find something in this new person that you like and want to add to your life. Or, “Because you like them, that’s why.”

This may not resonate all that well, period, because even though people have multiple friends, many people still have one “best friend” - one person they confide in, etc. But it’s worth a shot.

This does NOT equal the statement, “No one person is enough to meet anyone’s needs. You have more than one friend, right?” Be prepared for the rejoinder, “Well, I don’t need to have sex with my friends!” if you use that one. Things can go quickly down the emotional rabbit hole after that.

Potential Poly Pitfall 4. “But love is not a zero-sum game” 


“It’s all about ‘and’, not ‘or’!”
“I have plenty of love for everyone. Love for person <x> doesn’t mean less for person <y>”

For a Mono person, it certainly CAN be ‘or’ rather than ‘and’, or zero-sum (see above), at least in the context of a romantic relationship. And we still tend to see things from our own point of view first. But okay - even though it isn’t the same way for you, there are still other pieces of a relationship that ARE zero-sum, time and money being two HUGE ones.

4a. Time:
As a Poly partner, as you add relationships, you may find yourself coming up against your saturation point (you’re “Polysaturated”) - how much is too much before you just can’t manage it anymore?

Your Mono partner may have the opposite: a Mono-Dilution point, if you will. How little time is too little? As a relationship grows into something a Mono person sees as a lifetime relationship, the traditional model is to spend *more* time together. Limits on this may limit “how far” your partner may see this relationship going.

4b. Money:
Your Mono partner (especially if you’re opening up a marriage or prior relationship, where you share resources) may resent money from your joint account going to fund date nights and gifts for your other partner(s). Don’t assume that mi dinero es su dinero. Nobody likes talking money, but in any relationship, it can be a major cause of discord. Talk about it.

Conversely, if you are “getting more serious” with a Mono partner (or ANY partner, for that matter!), there may be different financial questions that need to be asked. If sharing a household, how much contribution should be expected? Who pays the bills if the poly partner is going back and forth between homes? Groceries? How do you split up chores (more of a different topic, but you get the point)?

Talk about it. Don’t assume that just because your love is infinite, other resources are as well.

~~

Okay, Mono partners, stop nodding your heads and pumping your fists. It’s your turn.

Section 2: Potential Mono Pitfalls

Potential Mono Pitfall 1. “But he/she has [fill in the blank]! I want [fill in the blank] too!”

Really? Or are you just bristling against something you see as “unfair?”
Do you REALLY want to go see that band, or is it a style of music you really don’t like?
Do you REALLY want to hang out with that friend you really can’t stand just because they did?

Take a step back and think about what YOU want and need out of your relationship with your partner, aside from any other person in this relationship. What do YOU want?

More time with your partner? Ask for it.
To try that new Italian place? Make a date.
To go see a concert? Find something you both like and go.

Figure out what it is that you’re missing in YOUR relationship. Talk about it. Figure out how to get it, or compromise in a way that works for YOU. Renegotiate as needed. No, it’s not always that easy; life tends to get in the way. Money and time (see a pattern here?) can dictate how often a couple goes out or what they do, and you may need to compromise on the things you’d like to do. This happens in any relationship, though - you can’t always go the places you want for vacation, and you probably can’t go out every night. A Poly relationship can bring out this difference when the other partner CAN, but it isn’t the cause of your inability to do so. Don’t shoot the messenger, and don’t hold your partner back just because you can’t do something. Therein lies resentment.

If you REALLY can’t stomach seeing that they’re going out and doing <x> when you can’t, then talk about it. Are they posting pictures or statuses on Facebook about every single event? Figure out why you’re upset and talk about it. Does it feel like they’re rubbing it in your face (“Nyaah nyaah, I can go out and you can’t!”)? Does it feel like “everybody will see THEM together and not US”? Understanding the reason behind why you’re upset goes a long way toward solving it.

Potential Mono Pitfall 2. “Poly means ‘casual’, right?”

“How can we build a future together when you won’t commit only to me?”
“Why does she want to move in with him? She’s Poly!”

This one took me a while to grasp.
Poly means “multiple”. It doesn’t mean they don’t want the same things out of their relationship that you do. It means they want to be open to more relationships if they come up, with everything that goes with them.

You want to build a lifetime with your partner. He wants to build a lifetime with his partners.

A Poly relationship CAN be a casual one, but it doesn’t have to be. A commitment to one does not negate a commitment to another, although it may make logistics more difficult.

If your partner’s OSO ("Other Significant Other") is Poly, don’t assume that it’s casual or playtime. Don’t get caught off-guard and get pissed off when they start wanting to move forward in their relationship. Be prepared for their relationship to be every bit as close and important as yours is. If you need some level of hierarchy, communicate that NOW to your partner. Unless you’re opening up a marriage or prior exclusive relationship (where shared history and assets may dictate a hierarchy), don’t be surprised if you meet resistance.

In other words, your “couple” relationship with your partner is not more “real” because you are monogamous.


Potential Mono Pitfall 3. “You’re going to see that she’s better than me and leave me!”

If he were monogamous and fell in love with someone else, you’d be right.


But he’s not. Being Poly means he can love her without falling out of love with you. You CAN have a relationship with him while he’s in a relationship with her and you WON’T lose him. We worry because we see the world from our own point of view, but this really isn’t an either/or situation.

It took me a while to realize that the only reason I have a relationship with Martin at all is because he IS Poly. If he and Gina were a monogamous couple, I wouldn’t be here.

Things will change, of course - you’ll have less time and attention than you may have in a monogamous relationship, but if that’s not a deal-breaker for you, then you still have him. The choice is left up to you as to whether or not “less him” is better than “no him.” “No, it’s not” IS a perfectly acceptable answer. Sometimes things don’t work out, and that IS okay, especially if the alternative is compromising who YOU are in order to keep your relationship. If you can’t handle sharing your partner, don’t try to settle for something less than what you need. Keep in mind, though, that this will be YOUR decision, not his.

~~

Some of the advice you see floating around about Mono/Poly relationships equates to “Oh God - good luck with THAT!” It’s discouraging. And the emotions that can accompany the changes involved in adapting to such a relationship can certainly feel insurmountable some days.

The most important lesson? Time and experience.

It’s cliché, but it’s true. Having gone through our issues, working through them in unproductive ways until we beat our heads into various walls and find something that works - going through that process has shown me that we WILL work at this. That we’re not just going to give up when emotions get squirrely or things get hard. We continue to figure out what works for us (talk ‘til ya puke!) and what doesn’t. And we know that even if we get it wrong, we will still be accommodating and work toward getting it a little more right next time. Finding one thing that works for one issue doesn’t mean there won’t be more issues to come (remember this when it feels like you keep having what feels like the same discussions over and over and over), but you’ll be more confident in your ability to handle them as they do.

If you’re here looking for advice? Best of luck - if you want to do this, it’s possible, regardless of what anyone else says. Looking for resources and reading, reading, reading? You’re already trying, and that’s a damn good start. Hang in there. :-)

Some great resources I’ve found:

• The Mono/Poly mailing lists on Yahoo Groups. There are two support groups on Yahoo with some wonderful people on both. One for Mono partners of Poly folks (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PolyMono/) and one for the Poly partners (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/livingpolymono/)
• The Polyamory.com forums - the folks there can sometimes be brutally honest, but if you’re looking for experience and advice, they have been around the block and know what they’re talking about. Search for the “mono/poly” tag on posts, and read, read, read!
• Morethantwo.org: Franklin Veaux’s site. Lots of good resources and discussions, and some good starting points for talking about the potential issues in a Mono/Poly relationship (among other topics).

And if you end up finding out something that YOU wish you’d heard or seen? Please share. There are definitely others who would be interested.

All You Need

I was watching back episodes of “Bones” the other day, and a conversation came up between characters that intrigued me.

Bones recently had a baby, and she went back to work and had the baby in daycare at the lab.  She requested that the teacher send pictures to her phone every half hour, so she could see that the baby was happy and doing fine.   Angela also had a new baby, but she had been sneaking him into lab because she misses him and doesn’t want to be so far apart.   They talk about missing their babies.  Angela asks, “Don’t you miss Christine?”  Bones replies, “I’m at work, so I focus on work.  We have to compartmentalize our lives.” 

“And you can do that?”

“I have to.”

She receives a picture sent to her just then, and shows Angela, who says, “So is that all you need?”   Bones says, “I’ll see her soon enough.”  

Not that I’m comparing babies with adult love...The baby conversation simply sparked these thoughts in me, about what is enough to allay that feeling of missing someone you love when you are apart. 

For those of us who identify as poly, when our loves share time with others, we miss them when they’re gone.  We do.  There’s part of us that still misses their presence, even when we are quite happy being involved in some other activity or spending time with a friend or another love of our own (in other words, “compartmentalizing”).   When they are with their other love(s), it can be a comfort to get a phone call or a text or an email from them, just so we get to hear their voice or know what they are feeling.  Sometimes just that phone call is just enough to zip us along on our merry way.   It’s good to connect while apart, even if only briefly.   To hear that they love us, miss us and are thinking about us, too, is awesome, indeed.  Some days, though, we really do need to be with our loves, spending time with them in the same airspace.   And after we have some of that, much of the time, it’s truly allright that they go and spend time with their other love(s).  

The trick is...to be a whole person, independent of relationships.   To have interests and things going on outside of relationships that we enjoy while our loves are away.  Not just something to distract us (although there are surely days when we need that, too), but something that fulfills us, grabs hold of our passion and dances with it.   Something we’d be hell-bent on doing no matter who was in our life.   Something we get lost in.   These things make us happy little humans--we don’t have to look to our partners to complete us.  We can handle the separation, and even look forward to that time we have to ourselves as something kind of sweet.   Some days, it’s harder to do this than others, but losing ourselves in a passion can alleviate much of the emotional shakes.  

We’ll never be surrounded by people 100% of the time, so we need to be able to be comfortable being alone.    It’s harder for some than for others—some would claim, that’s why I’m in a relationship, so I won’t have to be alone.   But we need to grapple with that, because inevitably, we ARE alone SOME of the time.   Other people we date might cancel plans, or maybe no one else is available on those certain nights when our loves are with their other loves.   In the bigger picture, relationships end, and people die.   We’re not guaranteed that we’ll never be alone in our lives. 

I am one of those people who enjoys being alone (hormonal imbalances aside...).   I admit, it’s easier for me to deal when my love is not here, than it is for others.   I fill those days with making art, working on my business, seeing family and friends, taking care of the cats, organizing, filing, making phone calls, appointments, etc.   Just like I did before we lived together, before our relationship began.   I dig it.   But I also dig it when he is home with me and we live our little life, too.   On the days he’s gone, I like having that phone call with him and telling him what’s going on, hearing what’s going on with him, waxing philosophical, making each other laugh...That 30 minute conversation can really make me feel all warm and fuzzy, indeed.   Yes, most days, some kind of communication is all I need.   It remedies the missing him because we’ve connected.   I FEEL connected, like he’s right on my shoulder, despite the distance.  And it carries me through till we see one another again and have our sweet, sweet homecoming.