The Shark, Revisited.

     I have written about the shark before, here. Again, I am here staring the creature in the face. It's not ugly by any standard I know of. I see it as a beautiful, elegant creature, perfectly crafted through aeons to be at the very top of the food chain. It is sleek, and fierce, and brutal in it's honesty of purpose. The Great White Shark is an apex predator, and yet must trust that the prey before it will not kill it when ingested. A nudge along the item with it's sensitive snout gives the animal a clue as to whether or not it is actually edible. But the shark must take the item into itself, and swallow it whole or nearly so, and in the process put it's life in danger. It trusts it's food to not kill it.  The predator becomes infinitely vulnerable at the moment it commits to eating it's chosen target. It rolls the nictitating membrane over it's eyes, lifts it's snout, opens it's toothy maw, and gives it's prey the chance to slay the hunter.  It trusts instinctively. It surrenders decisions to millennia of sensory honing.  It doesn't choose to not eat because it might be killed, it eats. 

     That, to me, is perfection of purpose. It is wary when it needs to be, but self-preservation is tops on the list. When it comes to relationships, I wonder how many of us actually know what it is we want... what will make us happy? A list sounds like a good starting point.  And physical list perhaps made one day, then stashed away for a week or more so the lens of time will sharpen one's true desires. It could be looked at again as a shopper, with a bit less emotion. Might that actually help focus on your own needs? I'm sure there would be items that are listed that are more reactionary to a situation, but I think those would become obvious.  We will spend countless hours researching a particular product when we are making a purchase, and if that product is not what we expected once we get it home and have used it some... well I know I'm not shy about returning items I'm not happy with.  

     For so long, I accepted my life as it came. I put my own needs too far down the list and accepted that I was not really that important in the big scheme of things.  I didn't value myself enough, and eventually that built resentment and helped fuel arguments where I felt cornered and defensive, rather than simply arguing my own point of view towards a constructive end. I have been accused of being selfish, of being thoughtless, and of being too self-centered.  I have also been corrected a time or two ... it's not selfish - it's "self full". I've explored those terms, and the best descriptions I could find are:

Selfish: A personality characteristic of a person who causes negative impacts to others by being obsessed at satisfying his own needs first.

Self-full: The personality characteristic of a person who practices self-care.

Self-care: One’s understanding and behavior that helps to build a healthy mind, body and spirit for himself and others.

     Taking care of one's own self to better be able to care for others is not selfish.  And to that end, I wonder if making a list long ago would have allowed me to be more honest with what really was "okay", what was "tolerable", and what was "unacceptable".  Many of my friends suffer from marriages that are not nearly as healthy as they could be, and I so NOT stand here unsoiled. I have two failed marriages under my belt, and they failed for many reasons. But I have to wonder if either would have been better had I been more honest with myself before expecting  my wife to 'make me happy'.  I wonder if there aren't other husbands and wives out there who would really and truly benefit from that sort of self-examination?  It's far from simple to tear down the excuses we build for our lovers, for our mates, for our significant others. It's extraordinarily difficult to stare those monsters in the face and ask "why is THIS acceptable in my life, in my relationship?".

     And for complete admission? I don't think I could have done that in years past. It took me this long in my life to accept that I am important enough to deserve to be happy.  Not then. I thought I was, and I confused being rude with being direct when it came to dealing with others in my life. Direct is not hurtful, and direct understands that there is a time and place for tact. I wasn't direct. I am these days, or I like to think that I am. And I am happy with my choices now. I'm happy that I can talk with my partners about difficult issues and not feel like I'm attacking them in any way. I'm happy to be able to be confronted with something I am not necessarily comfortable with, but able to be comfortable with the person bringing it to my attention. And I am happy to be comfortable enough with who I am that I can share this with all of you. 

     

     Being vulnerable is not weakness. Being honest is not being hurtful. Taking care of one's self is not selfish. 

You are important, too. 

"Love is patient and kind.   Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.   It does not demand its own way.   It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.   It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.   Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. "

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Definitiions from: http://www.relaxyourlifenow.com/glossary/