One Size Fits... Oh Never Mind.

So as our lives continue to weave itself into a more luxurious tapestry, I realize some things. Perhaps the most significant of these is that there is NO single formula for a successful Poly relationship. There is no roadmap, no list of best practices, nothing. And I mean nothing in the truest sense of the word.  Zero. Nada. Zilch.  But strangely enough, that's what makes this such a delicious adventure.

From the very beginning, I searched through the long lists of poly websites, through the volumes of postings on various message boards, and through the various resources available for those pitfalls that we should avoid. In every case, it was pretty much the same -  Not quite our situation. Close, but not quite.  The preponderance of Poly relationships that we can read about seem to be more of the "Married couple and one wants to open the marriage up" variety. There are the "Single man meets married woman" and "Single woman meets married man" as well. Lots of different variations on Triads and Quads. Lots of different situations, and none of what I have read was 'our' kind. And that was a little discouraging.  What little I was able to find was pretty much doom and gloom.  A Triad. One Poly man and two women. One woman Poly (Gina), one woman Mono (Jen). Few of the scarce shared experiences were positive about this sort of arrangement.

My wonderful Jennifer did find a piece stating that all the success stories have little reason to advertise, so they are out there and silent. Thus the creation of this blog and my including all of us as contributors. I think it's important to have someone out there sharing these experiences, and showing that although it can be difficult, having this kind of poly relationship IS doable and is just as rewarding as any other. We are all individuals, and as such, we will all have a different experience with our relationships. For monogamous couples, there are plenty of good examples. Yes, divorce is on the rise, but there are still life-long marriages that are filled with love and respect to look up to.  I'm sure many of us know grandparents who are still married after 50 years or more. I am sure many of us have been to those kinds of celebrations. But how many of us have been to anything celebrating the anniversary of a Poly relationship? (For that matter, personally, I don't actually know any other triads or quads or what have you... And I seriously doubt I'm the only one in the town.  But I will look, and I will seek out the examples of a functioning Poly relationship. And if my partners are comfortable with it, I'd be happy being a good example for others.)

So, I have learned that one size does not actually fit all. It's a lesson that I believe we need to learn earlier in the process of understanding the Poly lifestyle. There are good pieces we can glean from every story, and there are pieces we need to leave behind. Finding what fits and what doesn't is an art, it seems. This reminds me of my becoming Wiccan, and how I had to make my own path there as well. Like so many others, I read  a wide assortment of the books available at the time. Few of them really spoke to my soul until I happened upon Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. This was the first book that actually said it was okay to find your own path. A book that expressed how important your own voice was. At the time, it was a revolution in my spiritual growth. So many other books were rigid and unyielding about the Faith, but here was a man writing to my heart. He said to find your own path and believe in it.

That's good advice for anyone, but especially here, where maps are useless. We all make out own path. In the case of a Poly relationship, we make one together. We use good communication, trust in each other, and in some cases faith, but we find a way together. We compromise, and we forge agreements that allow each of us to feel loved, wanted, needed, and important in this relationship. We overcome our fears and ask for what we need. We do all of this bravely, and boldly, and even sometimes being more vulnerable than we have ever been in our entire lives. But with that love and that trust, we forge onward.

Together.

And it might not have come off the shelf fitting all of us, but we are becoming pretty darned good tailors as we learn about ourselves and each other.




Comments or discussions are welcomed and appreciated.
Martin

Polyamory and Art

Hello, all!  

It’s Gina—I’m also a blog contributor here.  I am in a polyamorous relationship with Martin.   It’s so wonderful to have the chance to connect and discuss poly issues, thoughts, concerns and success stories with you folks!   I know there will be people from all walks of life passing through, and I thank you in advance for reading and commenting and asking questions if you have them.  I’m happy to clarify anything!  

Before I go on with the entries, though, a little housekeeping:

My opinions about polyamory in this and future entries may or may not jibe with what your opinions are.  This being America, I’m okay with that.  I’m not trying to disrespect or denigrate anyone else’s lifestyle or choices or way of thinking, but I am going to express mine here.  This place was created just for this purpose.  If you do happen to get offended, I’m sorry—that is never my intention.  Dissenting opinions are quite welcome in the comments, but let’s just keep an air of civility about the place, shall we?   I promise to do the same.  Thanks, all!

Brilliant!   Now on with the blog!  

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What, you may ask, is the connection between polyamory and art?   (And when I say art/artists, I mean all of the arts, collectively.)

Let’s say, multiple loves. 

Some artists will fall in love with many ideas for many projects, at the same time.  Even when working on a single project, other ideas may come along that are just irresistible.   So they might initiate the first stages of those new ideas as well, striking while the iron is hot, so that they don’t fade from existence and die incomplete.  There are times when they will continue to work on many pieces at one time, switching between them and slowly working each of them while they take shape, keeping the enthusiasm alive for each one, until their completion.   Not every artist does this—some plug away at one piece at a time until it is done, putting all of their attention and energy into it.  But there are definitely those who multi-task, me being one of them.   

This begs the question: does poly resonate with some artists because they are already “multi-oriented” in their psychological landscapes?    

Artists also tend to be more embracing of the non-traditional.  They see things in a different light than more linear-thinking folk do.  Moreover, they LIKE and IDENTIFY WITH being different.  They will be the ones you find outside the box, coloring outside the lines, breaking the cookie cutter, punching the dough with their own thumbprints and calling it ‘self-portrait’.  And in our culture, poly is still outside the norm.  (When I was in an interracial relationship, the artist in me secretly giggled to myself for flouting convention... and now that I’m in a poly relationship...I still do sometimes.  (Shrugs)  Artist.)  

With this willing living “outside of society”, coupled with the concept of simultaneous attachment to multiple artworks, which are very personal, and very much beloved, it seems that poly would be something that might feel very natural to some artists.   The idea that one can love more than one, and experience very different things with each one, at the same time rather than in succession, could be a natural leaning for people who already think in multiples, having a number of irons in the fire at the same time. The fact that it’s not mainstream?   Why, all the better.   

Maybe it’s the way the artist brain is wired--to garner the maximum amount of soul-intoxicating experiences--in order to feel pleasure, in order to grow psychologically/emotionally/spiritually, in order to glean inspiration to create--in a lifetime.   Being open to new things and pursuing adventures is very nearly part of The Artist’s Credo.   Like polyamory, it’s being open to choosing what kind of discoveries in life one wants to have for one’s own enrichment as a human being (ideally with the ethical stipulation of “an’ it harm none”).  Is it a coincidence that artists/hippies in the ‘60s embraced “free love” and formed family communes of people in multiple relationships with one another?   Probably not.  It kind of all goes together.  Wanting to have explorations with more than one person breaks boundaries, and artists are quite comfortable with breaking boundaries.   

Now I KNOW that not all poly folk are artists and not all artists are poly.  I also know that artists aren’t the only mental multi-taskers or the only ones choosing alternate lifestyles out there.  I get that.  I’m very much generalizing, due to lack of hard demographics.  But the overlapping circles...well, that’s interesting to ponder.   And pondering--it’s what I do, folks.