So as our lives continue to weave itself into a more luxurious tapestry, I realize some things. Perhaps the most significant of these is that there is NO single formula for a successful Poly relationship. There is no roadmap, no list of best practices, nothing. And I mean nothing in the truest sense of the word. Zero. Nada. Zilch. But strangely enough, that's what makes this such a delicious adventure.
From the very beginning, I searched through the long lists of poly websites, through the volumes of postings on various message boards, and through the various resources available for those pitfalls that we should avoid. In every case, it was pretty much the same - Not quite our situation. Close, but not quite. The preponderance of Poly relationships that we can read about seem to be more of the "Married couple and one wants to open the marriage up" variety. There are the "Single man meets married woman" and "Single woman meets married man" as well. Lots of different variations on Triads and Quads. Lots of different situations, and none of what I have read was 'our' kind. And that was a little discouraging. What little I was able to find was pretty much doom and gloom. A Triad. One Poly man and two women. One woman Poly (Gina), one woman Mono (Jen). Few of the scarce shared experiences were positive about this sort of arrangement.
My wonderful Jennifer did find a piece stating that all the success stories have little reason to advertise, so they are out there and silent. Thus the creation of this blog and my including all of us as contributors. I think it's important to have someone out there sharing these experiences, and showing that although it can be difficult, having this kind of poly relationship IS doable and is just as rewarding as any other. We are all individuals, and as such, we will all have a different experience with our relationships. For monogamous couples, there are plenty of good examples. Yes, divorce is on the rise, but there are still life-long marriages that are filled with love and respect to look up to. I'm sure many of us know grandparents who are still married after 50 years or more. I am sure many of us have been to those kinds of celebrations. But how many of us have been to anything celebrating the anniversary of a Poly relationship? (For that matter, personally, I don't actually know any other triads or quads or what have you... And I seriously doubt I'm the only one in the town. But I will look, and I will seek out the examples of a functioning Poly relationship. And if my partners are comfortable with it, I'd be happy being a good example for others.)
So, I have learned that one size does not actually fit all. It's a lesson that I believe we need to learn earlier in the process of understanding the Poly lifestyle. There are good pieces we can glean from every story, and there are pieces we need to leave behind. Finding what fits and what doesn't is an art, it seems. This reminds me of my becoming Wiccan, and how I had to make my own path there as well. Like so many others, I read a wide assortment of the books available at the time. Few of them really spoke to my soul until I happened upon Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. This was the first book that actually said it was okay to find your own path. A book that expressed how important your own voice was. At the time, it was a revolution in my spiritual growth. So many other books were rigid and unyielding about the Faith, but here was a man writing to my heart. He said to find your own path and believe in it.
That's good advice for anyone, but especially here, where maps are useless. We all make out own path. In the case of a Poly relationship, we make one together. We use good communication, trust in each other, and in some cases faith, but we find a way together. We compromise, and we forge agreements that allow each of us to feel loved, wanted, needed, and important in this relationship. We overcome our fears and ask for what we need. We do all of this bravely, and boldly, and even sometimes being more vulnerable than we have ever been in our entire lives. But with that love and that trust, we forge onward.
Together.
And it might not have come off the shelf fitting all of us, but we are becoming pretty darned good tailors as we learn about ourselves and each other.
Comments or discussions are welcomed and appreciated.
Martin
Jen said, "Just because I play Devil's Advocate, I'd like to say that while I agree it's good to see some success stories out there, it may be a bit premature to set up this blog as one of them. This relationship is still young, after all, and I don't know that we've all found our way yet. Many of the folks on the other sites have taken years and years to get where they are. Not that I'm trying to be a Negative Nelly... "Normal" relationships don't always know where they're going, either. It's just easier to assume a certain path. :-)
ReplyDeleteBut if this blog is to be a road map of sorts - a journal of the trip, then maybe it will turn into that in time. Let's see. :-) "
If it's okay, let me just say that we are NOT experts here, we're just making our way through the wilderness. I didn't mean to imply that we were, if it came across like that. We have had a few significant successes, and a lot of setbacks in between, but I have hope and I have faith that we will find a way, since I believe that the relationships are both worthwhile.
I wanted to share a little hope with those of you who might need some encouragement. We have a long journey ahead. A little light in the darkness is nice to see.
-Martin
Martin, I like how you liken this to your Pagan experience of creating your own path, one that FEELS RIGHT. Because there is no recipe to follow, we have to feel our way along in the dark, adding here, removing there, seasoning to taste. And there are three here, so we have to communicate our taste preferences and 'druthers so we all add to the creation of these relationships. Sometimes we bump into counters, sometimes we add salt instead of sugar in the dark, but we're doing the best we can, creating out of love. And there is much love, there's no question about that. So let's share the "recipe" we're making up as we go along--maybe we can inspire others to make it up with love, too.
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