On Comparing Relationships...Or, Just Don't, Part II

So I found myself still on the Goodship Comparison this week…like a bad movie of the week. How did I get back here? Why did I not stay where I was—on land?

Martin and I had some talks recently wherein we talked about his not feeling free to go and do things with other people without me. Gah…Yes, it’s very true, I’ve been wanting to be with him so much that even time with his friends, I’ve wanted to tag along on, and been upset when I haven’t gotten to. This is not usually me—I’m normally fine with him going off and doing whatever he wants. I usually go off and do what I want and we come back and reconnect when next we do and talk about the experiences we’ve had apart.

Except…I HAVEN’T been going off on my own and following my bliss. I’ve not been living my vintage life, connecting with vintage peeps (the scene was stronger in the place I used to live). I’ve only been doing the art I have to do, for commitments. I’ve been starting lots of art projects for fun and not finishing them. I’ve been getting enchanted and then suddenly disenchanted about ideas. The magic fades, for some cruel, unknown reason.   And this is seriously getting under my skin. I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost my art–my superpower. And as a result, my power, over myself. I identify as an artist and if I don’t have art, then what am I? Consequently, I’ve felt an obsession to spend all the time we have together with Martin and micromanage things. Trying to seize the power back in fucked-up ways, maybe? And looking at his relationship with our female partner (whom I’ll call L, for the sake of privacy) and comparing, comparing, comparing. Why doesn’t he text me like that? Why doesn’t she?   Doesn’t she want to see me as much as she wants to see him?   So much insecurity… But insecurity stemming from within ME. My relationships, themselves, with Martin and with L, objectively speaking? They’re both wonderful—I am truly happy with all aspects of them. Then WHY compare my relationships to their relationship with each other? Why be all niggling and petty?   Why fixate on a lack of something, when it’s truly not a lack, simply a difference?

Martin and I further had some talks about power (he’s really good to talk to, to dig deep with). And why I seem to feel like I don’t have any. I know that when I don’t do my art, I get bitchy. Really bitchy. And I’ve been looking at others and saying to myself, I don’t want to be like THEM, and I don’t want to be like THEM, and THAT really annoys me…What I realized is that my gaze has been too focused OUTSIDE of myself, including my partners. I haven’t let myself become engaged in my own soul-kissing activities, like my art. For whatever reason, I always put responsibilities first, and my art comes last. Call it being brought up in a responsible household where no one else was an artist, but highly pragmatic. It’s a bad, bad habit. So this putting art last? It makes me unhappy. It dries my soul up like a leaf cut off from its tree. And it has far-reaching fingers, into all aspects of my life.   My ongoing quest is to generate my own vortex of art, dance, mystery, spirit, my own warm bubble of passions that make my soul sing. I do it for myself, but it also radiates outward and spills onto others, enveloping them in the warm love that I am generating in myself.

And since I’ve uprooted this kernel, I’ve felt 100% better. Oh god, SO much better! I’ve taken steps to just fuck around with my art and experiment and see what I get. And I like what’s coming out of my pencil. I like the sea of possibilities. I like changing media and seeing what I get. I am getting ideas, rooted in my passions as an artist and a human being.   And tonight I am going dancing. And I am EXCITED!!

And when they text each other, it doesn’t faze me. And when they see each other without me being there, it doesn’t ruffle my feathers. I AM getting what I want and need from each of them. And now that I am back focusing on living my own passions, I think (I hope!) they’re getting more of what they want and need from me. A happy, independent, loving, giving me.   It’s the best gift I have for the ones I love so deeply.

On Comparing Relationships...Or, Just Don't

One of the things that can happen when you have multiple relationships is that you can get to analyzing them, if you’ve a mind to do such things. Usually it’s when things are not going exactly the way you wish they were—if everything was peachy, you’d just sit back and enjoy them, and there’d be no need to analyze. And when you analyze, you can’t help but compare them. And when you compare them, you assign value to the comparisons, and one of them might come up shorter than the other, which is negative. And when one of them comes up short, you create an expectation, that the short one should be living up to the tall one. Some expectations are necessary, as in, you expect to be treated lovingly, respectfully and kindly, to have honest communication, and other things that make a healthy relationship. But other than those healthy expectations, everything else is a script for the relationship to follow, and that can lead down some unrealistic, not-so-pretty paths. And it can be very, very hard not to write that script.

In the words of Oliver Hardy: well, Brain, that’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into…

I have two amazing relationships. One is with Martin and one is with my female partner.   They also have a relationship with each other. This is my first relationship with a woman, so there ARE differences. And this is my first time having multiple relationships, period, so there ARE differences. And they are two different people, so there ARE differences. Those are givens.  They are two distinct relationships and are not EVER going to be the same, or even similar. However, sometimes I find myself comparing the two, like apples and eggs, and those expectations pop up like whack-a-moles.   Hey, they’re doing ‘x’, I want to do ‘x’, too! How come I’M not doing that with either of them?   How come they say this to each other, and he/she doesn’t say it to me?   But…but…but…And then I feel left out and I spin into overdrive, and I drive myself nutsy-cuckoo.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of monkey-see, monkey-do, pure and simple. Sometimes, we just think like two-year-olds. Observe a toddler playing next to another toddler in a sandbox. One is playing with a green bucket. She then sees the other one grab the pink shovel. Suddenly the green bucket isn’t good enough. She wants the pink shovel, too; she just didn’t realize it until she saw the other kid picking it up.   This warrants a conversation. I need to let my partners know that seeing them go to a drive-in movie together reminded me that I, too, like drive-in movies and I want to go see one with him or her, too.

Sometimes I may feel like my needs aren’t being met. I see them doing this thing together that I feel like I need to feel fulfilled, which may not quite be making its way towards my relationships with them at the moment, and I feel out of the loop. I have to ask myself, do I really need or want it? If no, then that’s easy—I can put it down and walk away, chalking it up to insecurity. But if the answer is yes, then time to talk! Gotta tell my partners. But just because I tell them doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to get what I ask for. They may not always be able to accommodate, or they may be happy to, but not able to at the moment.   Or they may, in fact, be happy to do it for me. “Yes”, “no”, and “not right now, dear” are perfectly valid responses. But they need to know how I am feeling. Even if they can’t help me fulfill my need (and I have to trust that they want to, but they just can’t, for good reason), they can offer me support and understand me, which goes a long way towards feeling loved. And it’s likely that I can find another way to fulfill that need, on my own or with someone else, which really is my job, anyway.

Sometimes it could be just a perception that I am not getting fulfillment because I’m not getting it RIGHT NOW, at the same moment that they are enjoying what I want. I’ve had it before, and will have it again; I’m just not having it while they are. And that brings up feelings of envy, big time. And guess what? I need to tell my partners—but more importantly, this one asks me to develop a little patience. I need to remember that I have experienced it previously and will again in the future during my own time with my partners. And that self-reassurance helps quite a bit to talk me down from the ledge.

And here’s the crux of the matter: I need to stop looking at their relationship with each other. Just STOP. Quite honestly, it’s none of my business what goes on between them. That’s not my relationship and it has nothing to do with me. OF COURSE if I look at theirs and then look at mine, I’m going to notice how they are different (we tend to notice the contrasts rather than the similarities, we silly humans). Not that I should do “don’t ask, don’t tell”, putting my fingers in my ears and shouting, “LA LA LA LA LA!”   But I can hear about aspects of their relationship and decide to let the bristles over the differences go. Different doesn’t necessarily mean lacking. It’s good to take stock of and be happy with what I DO have with each of them, what I love and cherish about our own separate relationships, and NOT seek to recreate theirs in mine. First of all, it’s ludicrous, and second of all, it’s futile. And hey, I can be happy for them—after all, I love them and want them to be happy, yes? Yes!!!

Being happy in my own skin and loving my partners for what we each have together is one of the most precious things I can give them. It gives them the freedom to be who they are without being watched and fretted over, and it gives me autonomy to find my own damn fulfillment for myself. And I love us all enough to do that (and to try again when I fuck up).