One of the things that can happen when you have multiple
relationships is that you can get to analyzing them, if you’ve a mind to do
such things. Usually it’s when things are not going exactly the way you wish
they were—if everything was peachy, you’d just sit back and enjoy them, and
there’d be no need to analyze. And when you analyze, you can’t help but compare
them. And when you compare them, you assign value to the comparisons, and one
of them might come up shorter than the other, which is negative. And when one
of them comes up short, you create an expectation, that the short one should be
living up to the tall one. Some expectations are necessary, as in, you expect
to be treated lovingly, respectfully and kindly, to have honest communication,
and other things that make a healthy relationship. But other than those healthy
expectations, everything else is a script for the relationship to follow, and
that can lead down some unrealistic, not-so-pretty paths. And it can be very,
very hard not to write that script.
In the words of Oliver Hardy: well, Brain, that’s another
fine mess you’ve gotten me into…
I have two amazing relationships. One is with Martin and one
is with my female partner. They also have a relationship with each
other. This is my first relationship with a woman, so there ARE differences.
And this is my first time having multiple relationships, period, so there ARE
differences. And they are two different people, so there ARE differences. Those
are givens. They are two distinct relationships and are not EVER going to
be the same, or even similar. However, sometimes I find myself comparing the
two, like apples and eggs, and those expectations pop up like
whack-a-moles. Hey, they’re doing ‘x’, I want to do ‘x’, too! How
come I’M not doing that with either of them? How come they say this
to each other, and he/she doesn’t say it to me? But…but…but…And
then I feel left out and I spin into overdrive, and I drive myself
nutsy-cuckoo.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of monkey-see, monkey-do, pure
and simple. Sometimes, we just think like two-year-olds. Observe a toddler
playing next to another toddler in a sandbox. One is playing with a green
bucket. She then sees the other one grab the pink shovel. Suddenly the green
bucket isn’t good enough. She wants the pink shovel, too; she just didn’t
realize it until she saw the other kid picking it up. This warrants
a conversation. I need to let my partners know that seeing them go to a
drive-in movie together reminded me that I, too, like drive-in movies and I
want to go see one with him or her, too.
Sometimes I may feel like my needs aren’t being met. I see
them doing this thing together that I feel like I need to feel fulfilled, which
may not quite be making its way towards my relationships with them at the
moment, and I feel out of the loop. I have to ask myself, do I really need or
want it? If no, then that’s easy—I can put it down and walk away, chalking it
up to insecurity. But if the answer is yes, then time to talk! Gotta tell my partners.
But just because I tell them doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to get what I
ask for. They may not always be able to accommodate, or they may be happy to,
but not able to at the moment. Or they may, in fact, be happy to do
it for me. “Yes”, “no”, and “not right now, dear” are perfectly valid
responses. But they need to know how I am feeling. Even if they can’t help me
fulfill my need (and I have to trust that they want to, but they just can’t,
for good reason), they can offer me support and understand me, which goes a
long way towards feeling loved. And it’s likely that I can find another way to
fulfill that need, on my own or with someone else, which really is my job,
anyway.
Sometimes it could be just a perception that I am not
getting fulfillment because I’m not getting it RIGHT NOW, at the same moment
that they are enjoying what I want. I’ve had it before, and will have it again;
I’m just not having it while they are. And that brings up feelings of envy, big
time. And guess what? I need to tell my partners—but more importantly, this one
asks me to develop a little patience. I need to remember that I have
experienced it previously and will again in the future during my own time with
my partners. And that self-reassurance helps quite a bit to talk me down from
the ledge.
And here’s the crux of the matter: I need to stop looking at
their relationship with each other. Just STOP. Quite honestly, it’s none of my
business what goes on between them. That’s not my relationship and it has
nothing to do with me. OF COURSE if I look at theirs and then look at mine, I’m
going to notice how they are different (we tend to notice the contrasts rather
than the similarities, we silly humans). Not that I should do “don’t ask, don’t
tell”, putting my fingers in my ears and shouting, “LA LA LA LA
LA!” But I can hear about aspects of their relationship and decide
to let the bristles over the differences go. Different doesn’t necessarily mean
lacking. It’s good to take stock of and be happy with what I DO have with each of
them, what I love and cherish about our own separate relationships, and NOT
seek to recreate theirs in mine. First of all, it’s ludicrous, and second of
all, it’s futile. And hey, I can be happy for them—after all, I love them and
want them to be happy, yes? Yes!!!
Being happy in my own skin and loving my partners for what
we each have together is one of the most precious things I can give them. It
gives them the freedom to be who they are without being watched and fretted
over, and it gives me autonomy to find my own damn fulfillment for myself. And
I love us all enough to do that (and to try again when I fuck up).
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